President Donald Trump entered the room expecting Chairman Kim Jong-Un. Instead, he was presented with the Eternal President Kim Il-Sung. Deciding not to acknowledge the change of plan, President Trump turns to the photographer.
TRUMP: “Getting a good picture everybody, so we look nice and handsome, and thin, and perfect.”
KIM: “Today the danger of a nuclear war is most serious on the Korean peninsula.”
TRUMP: “Our country is in serious trouble. We don’t have victories any more. We used to have victories but we don’t have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, China, in a trade deal? They kill us.”
KIM: “The United States frequently stages nuclear war exercises in and around South Korea by mobilizing different kinds of nuclear weapons and large military forces. As a result, the danger of nuclear war is most acute in South Korea more than anywhere.”
TRUMP: “I think if this country gets any kinder or gentler, it’s literally going to cease to exist.”
KIM: “In order to abolish nuclear weapons and prevent a nuclear war, we must create nuclear-free, peace zones in many regions of the world and extend them all the time.”
TRUMP: “We’re rounding ‘em up in a very humane way, in a very nice way. And they’re going to be happy because they want to be legalized. And, by the way, I know it doesn’t sound nice. But not everything is nice.”
KIM: “Peace is the common aspiration of humanity, and only when peace is ensured can the people create an independent new life. The wrong idea and policy of trampling upon the independence of other countries and other nations and of dominating others are the cause of the current threat to peace.”
TRUMP: “What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate.”
KIM: “Disarmament and the abolition of nuclear weapons and other types of weapons of mass destruction is the most pressing task in ensuring peace. The large stockpile of nuclear weapons now on Earth is a menace to the survival of mankind itself.”
The subtext could not be suppressed any longer. Something had to give. It had to be acknowledged.
TRUMP: “You talk about your dick, but mine is so massive and powerful that I pray to God it will never have to be used.”
KIM: “We strongly assert that the Korean peninsula should be made a nuclear-free, peace zone. We strongly support the peace movement of the peoples of many countries for disarmament and for the creation of nuclear-free, peace zones.”
TRUMP: “I felt a wonderful tension was building up between you and me, and ultimately, it is only that feeling that matters.”
KIM: “It is to be regretted that our propaganda work suffers in many respects from dogmatism and formalism.”
TRUMP: “It’s tangible, it’s solid, it’s beautiful. It’s artistic, from my standpoint.”
KIM: “If we had not organized the People’s Army with old revolutionary cadres as its core, what would have been the outcome of the last war? It would have been impossible for us to defeat the enemy and win a great victory under such difficult conditions.”
TRUMP: “Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.”
KIM: “During our retreat certain foreigners predicted that most of our army units, trapped by enemy encirclement, would not be able to get back. But we were firmly convinced that all of them would manage to come back. In fact, they all did return, with the exception of the dead.”
TRUMP: “It’s always good to be underestimated.”
KIM: “The enemy always plots to make people distrust one another and set them at odds with each other to disintegrate our ranks from within. You must learn to discern clearly and to combat such plots and slanders by the counter-revolutionaries.”
TRUMP: “Well, I do think there’s blame – yes, I think there’s blame on both sides. You look at – you look at both sides. I think there’s blame on both sides. And I have no doubt about it, and you don’t have any doubt about it either.”
KIM: “What has happened in north and South Korea in the one year after liberation of the Korean people from the Japanese imperialist yoke of slavery, and what is the difference between them?”
In a state of confusion, the President lost the flow of the conversation and so he set off on an old train of thought.
TRUMP: “I moved on her, actually. You know, she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it.”
KIM: “Why is it that the merger of the political parties of the working people into a single party, the Workers’ Party, and the unity of the entire working people are the most important, inevitable task in the political life of our country at the present stage?”
TRUMP: “I did try and fuck her. She was married.”
KIM: “A law was passed to guarantee the women social rights equal to those of the men for the first time in the history of our country.”
TRUMP: “I will be phenomenal to the women. I mean, I want to help women.”
Suddenly the Eternal President’s pretty young assistant caught the American’s eye. His thoughts turned to the urgent matter of the joy divisions.
TRUMP: “I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”
KIM: “The women, far from emancipation, find themselves in an indescribably wretched plight.”
TRUMP: “Grab ‘em by the pussy. You can do anything.”
KIM: “The unity of the people throughout the world and cooperation among them are the guarantee for the victory of their common cause of creating a new world.”
And at that moment, Dennis Rodman walked in.